Today at church (www.commonwealthchapel.com), my pastor, greatly challenged my heart. Today's message was about Hope and how advent, which begins today is the season of Hope, leading up to the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ. It got me thinking off on so many different tangents. I got to thinking, do I have hope? Where is my hope placed? The illustration that he used came from the book of Isaiah 11:1-10. It says, "

1 A shoot will come up from the stump of Jesse;
from his roots a Branch will bear fruit.
2 The Spirit of the LORD will rest on him—
the Spirit of wisdom and of understanding,
the Spirit of counsel and of might,
the Spirit of the knowledge and fear of the LORD—
3 and he will delight in the fear of the LORD.
He will not judge by what he sees with his eyes,
or decide by what he hears with his ears;
4 but with righteousness he will judge the needy,
with justice he will give decisions for the poor of the earth.
He will strike the earth with the rod of his mouth;
with the breath of his lips he will slay the wicked.
5 Righteousness will be his belt
and faithfulness the sash around his waist.
6 The wolf will live with the lamb,
the leopard will lie down with the goat,
the calf and the lion and the yearling[a] together;
and a little child will lead them.
7 The cow will feed with the bear,
their young will lie down together,
and the lion will eat straw like the ox.
8 The infant will play near the cobra’s den,
the young child will put its hand into the viper’s nest.
9 They will neither harm nor destroy
on all my holy mountain,
for the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the LORD
as the waters cover the sea.
10 In that day the Root of Jesse will stand as a banner for the peoples; the nations will rally to him, and his resting place will be glorious. "

This passage is about the hope that comes with the Kingdom of God. I feel as though that I am not a member of that Kingdom at times. I feel like I do not have my roots in the Lord. I am a stump and my roots have withered. I believe in God, I believe that the Lord Jesus died for my sins.

However, I believe that in the kingdom of God , I am the very least. I don't pray regularly, I don't read the Bible regularly and lately I have not even been going to church lately. I am financially at my wits end, we have not money, not even enough to pay the bills. Part of the reason that we haven't gone to church very much is because we don't have the gas money. I look around at the people at church and their lives seem so perfect, so content. Surely the Kingdom of God is with them, I just don't see it with me.

We have no money, we are majorly in debt, our house is worth less than we are paying, we can't use half of our house because it is crammed full of junk that we will never use, we are disorganized, I got a pay cut at work, my oldest daughter has no real relationship with God, my middle daughter is struggling to see where she fits in, my youngest daughter still isn't fully potty trained and can't or won't get dressed herself and making her clean up after herself is like fighting a battle.

My relationship with my husband is not as strong as it needs to be. My relationship with my family is not what it needs to be and I have no real, close friends to just hang out with and talk too. I don't know how to socialize and interact with other people. I feel like I am not good enough for anything and that I am not interesting enough of a person to be anyone's real friend - not that I would know what that feels like. I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. I feel so worn down that HOPE has left me long ago. I do not feel the hope of the Kingdom of God. I want too feel the hope, I want my life to be better, I want the lives of my children to be better, I want a richer and stronger relationship with my husband but I don't know how to achieve that end.

How do I get hope? How can I feel the love of God's kingdom? How can I be a better wife, mother, daughter and friend? I really don't know. I don't feel hope - I feel lost.